The Golden Turkey Awards

[Seeker630]

Lucky Mud's thread in here prompted me to think about old movies, from a little different slant. He didn't like the ones he's been watching for several reasons. Time for a short story here----------

About a year after my divorce was final, I started dating a woman who liked the unusual and "film noir" types of old movies. Small budget productions that mostly never went anywhere or gained much notoriety, but had something else about them that attracted her to watch them (you'd think I'd have taken a clue). One of the directors she told me about was Ed Wood. For those of our younger group of posters who may not know about him, he was dubbed the worst film maker in the history of the business. I mean he turned out some real schlock. So much so that his work later generated a cult following. Here's a long read about him---really weird guy, and a tragic case history in some ways-----

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_D._Wood,_Jr.

He was so bad that a couple of brothers in the business wrote a book about bad movies, actors etc, and named his sci-fi movie "Plan 9 From Outer Space" as the worst movie ever made. They gave it the "Golden Turkey Award".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Golden_Turkey_Awards

So here's your job in this thread; name the absolute worst movies that you have ever seen yourself and tell us why they were---bad acting---bad sound track---piss poor special effects---stupid story line-----bad writing----crumby camera work---kitschy wardrobes----anything you can think of that put you off about the film.

I'll start it off with a couple that really stick in my mind:

"Left Behind" with Kirk Cameron. This has to be one of the worst story lines I've ever seen. And the production on it was terrible. The acting by everyone in it comes off as forced and incompetent. I rented it not knowing what it was about. If I had I might not have gotten it.

"Battlefield Earth", with John Travolta, John Schuck, and Forrest Whitaker. Damn what a piece of shit. The L Ron Hubbard novel it was based on was passably good as second rate sci fi in written form, but it didn't translate well onto film. It was really bad overall. Even for science fiction, the story on film comes across as completely absurd. I also thought it showed a marked drop in the acting abilities of Travolta and Schuck in particular. Kind of like the movie version of a bad hair day on the set.

"Water World", with Kevin Costner. This poor guy fell into a string of filmed disasters, mostly of his own doing. This one stands out as possibly the worst of them

Then of course there's the string of low budget Japanese monster movies made in the 60's, with some of the most laughable special effects I've ever seen. And the list goes on.

So kick back and grab the remote, put the tape or DVD in the player and tell us all about the movies that made you laugh when they shouldn't have, or made you cry when they should have made you laugh. Have some fun with it and let loose. Grab the popcorn and a suitable adult beverage. Imagine for a while that you are a member of the nominating committee for the "Golden Turkey Award" and give us your picks of the worst actors, films, producers and the rest. Give us your stinkers!


Enjoy-------------------------

Now I have to find a copy of that Tim Burton bio film----Ed Wood

[Don Alhambra]

Weirdly enough, I really like Waterworld.

[Ana H]

hated Waterworld, not really a Costner fan to begin with. The only movie I saw him in that I liked half way was Robin Hood, and that was not great. as for Left Behind, and Battlefield Earth, never saw either. knowing the books, don't want to. Kirk Cameron makes me want to puke. even his cheesy smile makes me sick.

[Little One-Eyed Wench]

Originally Posted by Don Alhambra

Weirdly enough, I really like Waterworld.

Thanks Don. I wasn't brave enough to say this first!

[BeaverIslander]

I'd put Waterworld right up there on my turkey list, but Cat Woman (Halle Barry) was really unwatchably dreadful. Bad script, bad acting, cheesy set design, costuming by Frederick's of Hollywood, etc.

RE: Ed Wood. If you haven't seen it, you should watch the biopic "Ed Wood" with Johnny Depp as Ed Wood, Sarah Jessica Parker, Bill Murray, and Martin Landau (as an aged Bela Lugosi). Directed by Tim Burton. I'd highly recommend it.

Now if you want watchable bad movies that are a hoot, I'd nominate "Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things," and "The Mask" (in 3-D). Oh, and if you've never seen the Turkish rip-off of "The Exorcist", you're in for a treat.

[Josie]

Sky Captain, and the World of Tomorrow I wish I could find the right words to describe just how bad this movie was. It had a good premise, but I don't think the director, or maybe even the writer, understood how sci-fi works. Several times in the movie there were scenes that an even half-way decent sci-fi person could have made meaningful, instead, they just went for something cheap and cheesy. I can't describe it better than that without watching the movie again, but I just can't put myself through it.

I have to agree about Battlefield Earth. I wasn't expecting a lot from the movie, but it exceeded my worst expectations. Ok, it is a little hard to compress a 1000 page book into a movie, but come on! They got some names right, and that is about it. They made so many plot changes, trying to cut it down to a reasonable length, that even the few scenes that are close to the book lose their meaning.

The Last Action Hero I've managed to suppress the memories of the movie enough that I just get a sense of lingering horror at putting myself through it, but the details are mercifully gone.

I have to admit I like Water World, but I think I like it just because it is so bad. I mean, cmon, the bad guys live on the Exxon Valdez, and revere Captain Hazelwood.

Napolean Dynamite I may get flamed for this, but I thought it was one of the worse things I've ever seen. I watched it on the recommendation of one of the movie magazines, claiming it would be the next big underground cult fav. And it does have a cult-like following. But I sat there cringing through the whole thing. The lead character seemed wooden, everyone was a pathetic loser, and all I could think was how did these people ever make it into the gene pool. I have never watched another movie with that actor in it, he was so bad. I'm not sure what idea scares me more, that an actor that bad keeps getting work, or that he is a great actor, and he played the role as intended. If that was the intention, I'm worried about the world.

[Don Alhambra]

Originally Posted by Josie

I have to admit I like Water World, but I think I like it just because it is so bad. I mean, cmon, the bad guys live on the Exxon Valdez, and revere Captain Hazelwood.

I know! It is awesome. No accounting for taste I guess.

Originally Posted by Josie

Napolean Dynamite I may get flamed for this, but I thought it was one of the worse things I've ever seen.

I totally agree actually. I'd heard people rave about it, so I settled down for a good time. And I just never got into it. Some of it was nice and sweet and some of it was funny, but it never really spoke to me.

Then again, the guy who raved about it also raved about Snakes on a Plane. Maybe he was just raving.

[Ana H]

Napolean Dynamite is an awesome movie if you are high as a kite, or drunk as cooter brown! not that I would know.

[Josie]

Hey Don, did you ever watch that Escanaba In Da Moonlight?

[Josie]

Originally Posted by Ana H

Napolean Dynamite is an awesome movie if you are high as a kite, or drunk as cooter brown! not that I would know.

Maybe that explains all the kids renting it all the time.

[Don Alhambra]

Originally Posted by Josie

Hey Don, did you ever watch that Escanaba In Da Moonlight?

Crap, I never did you know? I moved house shortly after you sent it and it's in a box somewhere. I'll see if I can dig it out.

[Josie]

I'll warn you, parts of it are a little .... bizarre. It seem to be one of those movies you either love or hate, no middle ground. I just laugh at it, because I am surrounded by that mindset, and it highlights the absurdity of dedicated hunters.

[LastChance_000]

I hated Napoleon Dynamite the first time I saw it, for just the reasons mentioned. The second time I saw it, I really enjoyed it. Then I watched it again with my kids, (ages 8-18) and they were busting up through the whole thing. Now it's one of my favorite comedies. I guess it just depends on who you're with, and your mood at the time (at least for me).

THat having been said, my Golden Turkey goes to Manos, The Hands of Fate. Made famous by Mystery Science Theater 3000, this, this thing should probably never have seen the light of day.

If you've seen it, you know that it's absolutely unwatchable without the MST3K treatment. The poor lighting, confusing edits, appalling acting and incomprehensible plot make most of the mind-numbing drivel on YouTube look brilliant by comparison.

That said, there's a really interesting article and interview with one of the crew, and one of the cast from the film, which gives some insight just as to why they made the choices they did. It's at http://jophan.org/mimosa/m18/brandt.htm.

[dglas]

You gotta have one contrary guy in every thread, so ... ;)

When I was younger, I was a B-Movie fanatic. You see, there's a point where a movie is so bad it runs full circle and becomes entertaining again. I, personal;ly, don't think it's fair to class Plan 9 From Outer Space in with Battlefield Earth. Plan 9 was so bad it was hilarious, right down to the alien's emotional rant at the protagonists for being too emotional rather than logical and to the chase through the woods in which the same tree stump was passed at least three times. Battlefield Earth, however, was just inert, lame and stupid with not even the potential to be actors-on-stilts funny.

I can forgive a lot if a movie has energy. L.A. Morse wrote two review books "Video Trash and Treasures" which became my guide for all movies so bad they became truly great.

So, what I'll do is give you my all-time favourite bad movies and you can put your sensitivities to the test, if you have the courage. Sadly, Plan 9 From Outer Space only come in at 3rd place.

Commando Girls (AKA Hell Squad)
A movie so good, they needed two titles to emcompass all the awesome! In a dire emergency Middle East hostage situation, an elite squad of commando fighters is needed to rescue a diplomat's son - pronto. So the authorities go recruiting among L.A. dancing girls. The biggest star in this film is the hot tub, they all climb into after every mission. The soundtrack is an endless repetition of an army marching song, with improvised lyrics.

Nine Deaths of the Ninja
- Sho Kosugi is a ninja who got kicked out of ninja school for being too compassionate. Now, he leads an elite anti-terrorism squad who must track down a Dr.Strangelove wannabe terrorist leader (along with his monkey), in order to save a busload of cheap, cardboard cut-out people. The music fails to connect with the on-screen action and is almost perfectly inert anyway. Only "Commando Girls'" knife fight is worse than the fight choreography in "9 Death." Half the film is spent watching a bulky terrorist who says maybe thre words in the whole film and laughs a whole lot. IIRC, he even pops a kid's balloon - serious bad guy!

This movie has the benefit of having the all-time best line ever: "Save your strength, scumbag! It'd take a tougher man than you to pull apart industrial strength epoxy!" Snappy, eh?

Plan 9 From Outer Space
- this is a wonderfully incoherent sci-fi flick featuring undead and typical Barbie Doll 50's or 60's heroes.

Attack of the Beast Creatures
This movie is a study in ankles running through brush, while the protagonist ankles are being relentlessly pursued by wooden puppets on sticks.

Sword of the Barbarian
- typical spaghetti barbarian film with a miscellaneous, anonymous lump of flesh in the lead, straining muscles to scale a mountainside. In the background we can see a Boy Scout footpath. it also features a barbarianette who is splashing, tumbling proof (in a 3" deep stream) that flimsy, barbarianette clothing never rips, tears or falls off.

The Brain
Yes, it's a giant levitating brain with big, nasty teeth and wierd mental powers. It is the duty of some hip, but perfectly clueless teens to deal with this horrific menace, before we think too much!

Basket Case
This is a touching story of two brothers (telepathically linked, BTW) who need each other, and what happens when one starts to fall for a girl. Darn girls; they always mess up delicate telepathic friend and family relationships with their sex and stuff.


Now, movies so bad they couldn't even be B Movies:


Battlefield Earth
Now you know why L.Ron created a religion - because he couldn't even write hack sci-fi. And this movie is one borne of religious conviction - there is absolutely no other reason to inflict this upon the unsuspecting masses. Greatest story ever told? Maybe for the faithful.

Dungeons and Dragons
Jeremy Irons was in this one, collecting a paycheck. Probably a contractual obligation paycheck. Even crazy make-up and well over the top acting couldn't couldn't jump start this. This movie wouldn't "Foom!" if you put....

The Last Sentinel
You know that chick who plays Boomer in Battlestar Galactica? Yeah, her. She gets to tediously try to appeal to a robot warrior from the future's humanity. Original, what? Dull, dull, dull.

The Island
The absolute worst apocryphal future, controlled society mish-mash of nonsense I have ever had the misfortune to suffer through. Every single thing in the genre that was done in this movie has been done so very much better EVERYWHERE else.

[Josie]

Big Trouble in Little China has to be my all time fav B movie. It is so silly, I just can't resist it. The special effects are cheesy, and the plot is ridiculous, but if it is on, I'm not moving until it's over.

[LastChance_000]

Originally Posted by dglas

The Island
The absolute worst apocryphal future, controlled society mish-mash of nonsense I have ever had the misfortune to suffer through. Every single thing in the genre that was done in this movie has been done so very much better EVERYWHERE else.

Wasn't this a remake of a 70's movie with Peter Graves called Parts: The Clonus Horror? (Also given the MST3K treatment)

[dglas]

Originally Posted by Josie

Big Trouble in Little China has to be my all time fav B movie. It is so silly, I just can't resist it. The special effects are cheesy, and the plot is ridiculous, but if it is on, I'm not moving until it's over.

That's how I am with Frank Herbert's Dune, the Dino-D version with Sting being his usual ridiculous self. The world stops when that wonderfully awful movie starts!

I love Big Trouble in Little China.
David Lo Pan: "Shut up, Mr. Burton! You were not put on this earth to 'get it!'"

[dglas]

Originally Posted by LastChance_000

Wasn't this a remake of a 70's movie with Peter Graves called Parts: The Clonus Horror? (Also given the MST3K treatment)

I do not know, and honestly, I haven't the energy to find out. But my criticism becomes especially poignant if EVERYTHING done in The Island was done better in the previous version, too.

[Seeker630]

Originally Posted by Don Alhambra

Weirdly enough, I really like Waterworld.

Well I'm going to be curious about all the different reactions I expect to get from anyone posting in this thread. Different strokes for different folks. Which is why I never have put much stock in movie critics. As far as I can tell their opinion isn't worth any more than anyone else's. I have seen them trash films I liked, and elevate to greatness some I thought were puke inducing.

Originally Posted by BeaverIslander

RE: Ed Wood. If you haven't seen it, you should watch the biopic "Ed Wood" with Johnny Depp as Ed Wood, Sarah Jessica Parker, Bill Murray, and Martin Landau (as an aged Bela Lugosi). Directed by Tim Burton. I'd highly recommend it.

I checked online after I posted the OP----my public library has a VHS copy of "Plan 9 From Outer Space". I'll pick it up later today. I checked Netflix and they have Tim Burton's film, so it's in my queue. I also think there was a documentary made about Ed Wood a long time ago. Not the Depp film---another one. I saw part of it on TV. I remember they interviewed people he had worked with including a woman who was one of his regular stable-actors. She had been a stripper or something. The guy had a bizarre life all in all.

[Seeker630]

Originally Posted by dglas

That's how I am with Frank Herbert's Dune, the Dino-D version with Sting being his usual ridiculous self.

Twice in the past I started to watch that film, and twice I stopped it early on. I was never able to grasp the story plot, and I thought some of it was just weird.

[dglas]

Originally Posted by Seeker630

Twice in the past I started to watch that film, and twice I stopped it early on. I was never able to grasp the story plot, and I thought some of it was just weird.

Story? Plot? What are these things you speak of?

It is an attempt to take a 500,000,000 page book and turn it into a single visual experience. It's kinda like Eraserhead packed with mysticism, goofy acting and disjointed scenes filled with not-so-special effects.

Fine! Paul is misbegotten sprog of a Bene Gesserit who betrayed the sisterhood. There is a prophesy that a mystical holy war bringer will be born and bring us out of the darkness and lots of wooden acting. Guess who? A plot by the emperor of the known universe, involving great houses in galactic parliament, brings Paul into contact with a mystical people who lead him to his destiny through the chokepoint of the spice that everyone wants and needs and that exists in only one place in the universe. Same old, same old.

The point is the dizzying visual fluff. Leave such things as story and plot out of it. They have no place here...

[LastChance_000]

I understood it as well as I understood any other David Lynch film. And I had already read the books.

[Little One-Eyed Wench]

Originally Posted by dglas

Story? Plot? What are these things you speak of?

It is an attempt to take a 500,000,000 page book and turn it into a single visual experience. It's kinda like Eraserhead packed with mysticism, goofy acting and disjointed scenes filled with not-so-special effects.

Fine! Paul is misbegotten sprog of a Bene Gesserit who betrayed the sisterhood. There is a prophesy that a mystical holy war bringer will be born and bring us out of the darkness and lots of wooden acting. Guess who? A plot by the emperor of the known universe, involving great houses in galactic parliament, brings Paul into contact with a mystical people who lead him to his destiny through the chokepoint of the spice that everyone wants and needs and that exists in only one place in the universe. Same old, same old.

The point is the dizzying visual fluff. Leave such things as story and plot out of it. They have no place here...

You forgot about all the internal dialogue that's constantly running to make up for what they couldn't fit into the movie. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.....

[Gurdur]

Worst films I have seen relatively recently:

Alien Apocalypse

Gladiatress

Alien Apocalypse is especially just really really bad.

[dglas]

Originally Posted by Little One-Eyed Wench

You forgot about all the internal dialogue that's constantly running to make up for what they couldn't fit into the movie. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.....

[internal monologue mode]
"My error has been detected! How ... could this be? What is the meaning of this? What does it portend!!!"
[/internal monologue mode]

This movie probably has my favourite line delivery ever. Never has an introduction been delivered with such whispery Lovecraftian sinisterness:

"I am Shaddat Mapessssss. The houssssse...keeper...."